If we were to conduct an honest assessment of conversations with “close” others in our lives, how often are our discussions focused on the weather, sports, the kids, or a family member about whom we are worried? These are among the “safe” topics upon which we rely to keep us on the fringe of connection, but the superficiality of which keeps us protected from anxiety and conflict. Even in what we believe to be our closest relationships, we rely on topics that keep tension low at the expense of intimacy we need in our lives. “Small talk” has its place, but when relationships rely on it, we don’t reveal our more authentic selves to the people with whom we desire to be closest. After all, it is far from likely we are as “fine” as our knee jerk reactions suggest.
Because two-person relationships are fundamentally unstable, we use superficial chatter to keep anxiety and conflict at bay. In these examples, anxiety is defined as any perceived threat to the self, and is a natural function of our defense system. Relationship instability manifests when we try to change each other’s minds during disagreements, “fix” people when we are stressed about their lives, or lambast them with advice because we know best. If we try to talk about a fight with a romantic partner, a friend suggests we “dump him”. When disagreeing about politics or sports, we try to change the other person’s mind rather than learn how they came to their conclusions, or we might offer our enlightened suggestions to a struggling family member in order to ease our anxiety about what we perceive as their perpetual under-functioning. When we keep conversations on the surface, we are protected from arguments and distance. Our conversations could be more fulfilling if we just listen, learn, and support.
Another way we avoid tension and anxiety in our relationships is by triangulation. It is often the presence of the third person that stabilizes the relationship through shared feelings about an unsuspecting other. For example, when two siblings talk, discussion of their own beliefs, feelings, or problems is avoided, and is replaced with discussion about another sibling, or a parent. The siblings having the discussion are now aligned through common feelings about someone else, and any current or potential tension within their own relationship is eased. Parents engage in similar behavior through the use of their children. If anything galvanizes a combative couple, it is an anxious focus on a sick or struggling child. These Triangles also persist in the workplace as evidenced by two coworkers bonding through complaints about a boss while avoiding tension between them.
Through these avoidance tactics, we sacrifice opportunities to grow closer to others through conflict resolution, and open dialogue about what is really important. When person to person relationships are functioning well, each person shares about his life without fear of judgment, being fixed, or emotional overreaction. When people see therapists, they revel in how easy it can be to share with a stranger what they are fearful of sharing with someone they have known for years. This is because therapists’ anxiety about clients is typically lower, which reduces reactivity, allows for active listening, and affords clients the space to work through their own problems. Another reason superficiality rules relationships is the threat of conflicts old and new. By maintaining small talk, or talk about others, conflict is avoided instead of resolved. Although many relationships deepen after a conflict is worked through, we fear a process we believe will contain judgment, screaming, and cold shoulders.
An effective way to gauge the extent to which relationships are reliant upon small talk is to consider these questions:
1.) How often do you talk about a third person toward whom you feel animosity, or an anxious need to fix?
2.) How much time do you spend talking about topics that have little to do with personal beliefs, feelings, or your relationship with the other person?
3.) How often do you avoid topics that could cause stress in the relationship rather than addressing them in an open-minded way?
If being honest, you will acknowledge these interactions occur far more than you prefer to admit. A key to achieving fulfilling relationships is conversations rich with exchanges of feelings and thoughts that add depth and richness to relationships, while eliminating avoidance, triangles, and anxiety. By making this change in our interactions, we notice increased feelings of closeness, and the joy of feeling understood by those with whom we aspire to be most intimate.
