A long time ago, home was a place of calm. It was a harbor from stress, a fountain of rejuvenation, a place of play after a day of work. When sheltering began three months ago, my home became a mish mash of multiple life domains. It is now a space shared with clients; an office where I write notes and treatment plans; a venue for Zoom staff meetings and intern supervisions. COVID-19 has destroyed the notion of work/life balance, and judging from the multitude of tales I’ve been told, we all seem to be experiencing the same blurring of boundaries.
At first, there was novelty in resting on my couch between sessions, snacking from my own fridge, and having a bathroom all to myself. Although I still enjoy those things, they’ve been sullied by multiple work demands that demand being met in the same space. The separation is long gone, and I’ve become disoriented because I’m trapped in a home/work nexus from which there is no escape. Although this has become challenging for me, stories from parents whose homes have become an amalgam of office, classroom, and daycare are far more daunting. The common denominator for all of us has been increases in tension and anxiety.
One reason anxiety has spiked is the perception among employees that home distractions have diminished their productivity. Clients have expressed frustration about longer work days somehow yielding diminished production, and they are fearing job loss more than the virus. This same fear has tricked employees into believing they should always be working so supervisors won’t think they are “slacking” at home. Anxiety has lengthened the work day because there is no boundary separating when it begins, and when it ends. Guilt about not “getting enough done” is leading to tasks being completed when kids finally get to sleep, and emails being responded to from bed.
Of all my clients, parents of primary school children are struggling the most. The combination of educating children while working from home has reignited debate about who is responsible for what. Mothers are meeting their own job demands from home, while fathers expect traditional roles to be followed, and bristle at the notion they are equally responsible for childcare. Fear that home instruction creates social/emotional delays and educational deficits has compounded anxiety about their own productivity, and parents are also experiencing guilt about not spending enough time with their kids while all are home together. All of this is happening where family fun, sleep, and romance are supposed to take place.
Because psychotherapists are experiencing an unprecedented parallel process with clients, we are looking for many of the same answers. Without a template from which to draw interventions, I’ve made several “on the fly” suggestions geared toward restoring boundaries between work and home. A central challenge for me has been living by my own suggestions, but when employed consistently, they do seem to work.
To make change happen, communication and commitment are key. What works for parents is sitting together and making a schedule of availability for childcare and instruction that is both clear and consistent. Aside from structure being its own calming agent, kids benefit from knowing what to expect, and parent guilt about not spending enough time with kids will be mitigated. Parents need to squash the ego-driven notion that one person’s job responsibilities are more important than the other’s, or a whole new can of worms will be opened. Maybe even more important is working in a consistent bedtime for kids so parents can put away their childcare hats for the night, and focus on being a couple.
Another way to restore order is to set boundaries between work time and home time. When anxiety about performance gets in the way, it compels workers to perpetually try to complete “just one more thing.” I have clients who are leaders in their jobs, and understand the complexities of working form home. They prefer their employees not suffer from burnout, and not begin to hate their jobs due to perceived pressure to work around the clock. Anxiety is our body’s smoke detector, and just like all smoke detectors, they sometimes beep for no reason. When unsure about what is expected, it is best to ask questions.
Most important is to maintain a separation of work and living space. For me, that means only seeing clients in my office. I don’t practice psychotherapy on my couch, or do notes on my bed. Those are my living spaces, and keeping them as such promotes relaxation and better sleep. I also do not eat meals while I am working because meals are meant to be a communal activity enjoyed while winding down with people who recharge our batteries. Besides, this is the rare historical time when everyone is pretty much home for dinner at the same time; better to enjoy it than waste it.
Something to remember is that we have no schema for how to navigate the uniqueness of this time, and we’re all struggling to figure out the “right” way to do it. The most we can do is work at it as best we can, and share our ideas and experiences with others. If there is, in fact, a second wave of the virus, and we are once again forced to cram all domains under one roof, we will be better prepared for the increased demands on our tolerance, versatility, and sanity.
