Nothing rocks the foundation of a relationship more than infidelity. So many of us already have difficulty trusting others with our deepest selves without experiencing a relationship trauma that reinforces false belief people are inherently untrustworthy. The digital era has complicated matters more by increasing opportunity for covert communication, excessive use of pornography, and creation of alternate personae on dating apps. Traditional methods of “cheating” such as one-night stands and philandering still exist, but the secrecy and duality inherent to long-term affairs still do the most damage to a relationship. Although affairs can be “emotional” or even “digital”, it is the ongoing physical affair in which two people create an insulated world unto themselves that most interests me in work I do with couples.
Although it’s possible some people enter into affairs just for the sake of it, it’s more likely there are underlying causes sure to lead people into these secret worlds in which they believe stress does not exist, and bliss is eternal. Each person’s reasons for entering an affair vary, but there is often some need to escape the rigor and mundane nature of monogamy coupled with an unwillingness to confront those issues of relationship stress in a more adaptive way.
We often cite conflict, children, or bed death as reasons for affairs, but they are interchangeable variables compared to one or both parties failure to confront those stressors. When someone chooses an affair, they are automatically pulled further away from any resolution within the existing relationship because affairs make promises that cannot be kept. By virtue of newness alone, affairs are more attractive options because they are a new world, and we worship newness. In this world, bills, fights, or diapers do not exist, and the part of the brain most stimulated is the same as the one stimulated by heroin.
An affair is also a place of escape from expectation, intimacy, and conflict. As is always the case, both parties believe intimacy exists because each believes they have finally found the person who understands them, and with whom the lustre of romance will never tarnish. Chances are, neither party has ever fully examined the role s/he has played in faded romance, or creation of an atmosphere in which no one feels understood.
People in affairs have secret getaway places in which they believe they will be recognizable to no one, and they employ select ways of discrete communication by text or email. They may have for each other in contact lists, and prearranged times to rendezvous. Each of those things is specifically designed to offer escape into a bubble sure to burst at the first sign of committment and responsibility.
Affairs are free from influence or interference of other people. There are no distractions when the “couple” is together. No one else exists, and when each must retreat back into their own lives for even an hour, they are planning the next escape into their special place. Some have gone so far as to maintain a second hideaway apartment.
On those occasions when people who do turn affairs into relationships, one or two divorces will have taken place, and families lay in ruin. Eventually, the lustre fades, and the secrecy-induced endorphin rush dissipates as the new couple begins weathering the storm of real life accountability.
If a person has entered an affair, maladaptive conflict resolution skills are a significant problem, but fear of intimacy is another. In an ideal relationship, conflict creates opportunities for emotional expression and communication of needs. Far too many times, when fear and sadness are the primary feelings involved, anger takes over, nothing of value expressed, and one person decides its time to find “the one” who will finally understand them. This results in a pattern of delusional belief that every new person will be “the one.”
Unless addressed directly, patterns persist, and the once exciting affair turns into a boring relationship in which the idealized representatives of the participants are replaced by their flawed, authentic selves. Once flaws are exposed, and intolerance for them follows, one of the participants moves on.
There are some people who move from affair to affair, feeding their addiction to superficiality, but depriving their heart of what it most needs; intimacy with other human beings. It can be assumed a person who is engaged in an affair is not being honest about it with anyone, and as a result sacrifices closeness for the sake of secrecy. At the same time, mental energy is depleted by maintaining deception, and hiding a life sure to be judged negatively by others.
Affairs also stem from a position of hopelessness about a relationship, and belief it cannot be salvaged or healed with honesty and couples therapy. Cliché though it may be, an affair is more likely a symptom of underlying relationship problems and individual flaws left unchecked, and that could be addressed in a therapist’s room. Unfortunately, it is too often the case a quick fix becomes the answer, and flaws live to rear their head another day.
Not all relationships can be saved, and even if they can’t, a person can still utilize therapy to do soul-searching necessary to understand maladaptive reactions to relationship stress, transform them into more adaptive methods of communication, and improve coping skills. When one generation makes the effort to examine flaws, and work to correct them, it teaches subsequent generations to do the same, and evolves our methods of communicating with one another.
