For many of us, by the time we reach adulthood we’ve harbored blame toward at least one parent for wounds inflicted upon us in childhood. We incurred these wounds at a time when we most needed the world to be a safe place, and we were relied on our parents to provide that safety. Divorce, infidelity, withholding of warmth, or other trauma, rocks our foundation, and leads to resentment with long lasting effects. Several of my clients have divulged grudges against their parents, and are unwilling to let them go. Unfortunately, these grudges impact current relationships, as they are often used as shields to protect from risk of additional emotional injuries inherent to intimacy.
Because as children we tend toward egocentricity, we experience the trauma outside the context of what is happening in our parents’ marriage, or how they were shaped by their own nuclear family experiences. We believe our parents were dropped into the universe unblemished, and with all the knowledge necessary to be perfect parents. Mistakes are then made, and because we expected perfection, what has happened in our families becomes what our parents “did to me.” We then forget nearly all the positive experiences our parents gave us, hold their mistakes against them, and miss out on intimacy in the present as we cling to grudges born in the past.
We store childhood trauma in the parts of our brain responsible for keeping us safe, and when we perceive threats in our adult relationships, we act out in self-protection that usually translates into anxious-attachment, conflict avoidance, or shutting down. Ultimately, we are left feeling judged and misunderstood in our relationships, and sometimes repeat behaviors we witnessed in childhood. We are then certain to seek forgiveness even though we have often been unwilling to forgive.
A certification course in Bowen Family Systems Theory, taught me to look at my parents through a lens that offered a different perspective. Bowen Theory gave me the multigenerational perspective necessary to know my parents in a broader context, and understand them as more than just my parents. Through the “Bowen lens”, I see my parents as children, grandchildren, and siblings influenced by several generations of relatives and patterns. When I started asking my parents questions about their childhood experiences, I learned how they were influenced by what they saw, heard, and felt; how they were affected by their sibling position, and most importantly, I learned that family trauma did not begin with my experiences.
One of my clients has repeatedly expressed anger toward his dad for “railing against me”, and emotional unavailability. Needing warmth from his father after the death of his mother, he remembered only the trauma while dismissing that his dad instilled in him a strong work ethic and met all his basic needs. At some point, I asked my client what he knew about his dad’s relationship with his own father, and he looked at me as if the idea that his dad had a dad never crossed his mind. I empathized with his reaction because there was a time when my parents divorce left me feeling physically abandoned by my dad, and emotionally abandoned by my mom. Bowen Theory made me ask questions that helped me learn about the many ways my dad was a better dad than my grandfather, and about the emotional unavailability my mom experienced while being raised by her mom.
Learning about the past also put my own fatherhood experiences in perspective. Although I have been a flawed father at times, my dad has reassured me I’ve done it better than he did. None of this is meant to exonerate us of accountability, but is instead meant to remind us there is more to the picture. Only when we understand the role multigenerational patterns play can one generation stop old patterns, and create new ones.
The hope is that perspective mitigates blaming that is most responsible for the formulation of grudges. Blaming our parents is an emotional reaction void of thought, reason, and understanding. Although it can serve as protection from further emotional wounds, it also inevitably isolates us from authentic closeness, not only with our parents in adulthood, but with others in friendships or romantic relationships. Understanding our parents within the larger context is a far more thoughtful process ripe with opportunities to learn our parents were much more than just our parents.
While maintaining a restricted view of our parents leads to blame and emotional cutoff, a wider perspective bridges gaps, and increases the possibility of closeness in our lives. When examining family through this lens, we discover we can either blame no one, or we must blame everyone.
